Friday, December 27, 2013

My One Word: 2013

In 2013, my Bible Study leader, Amanda, asked us all to choose one word. That word would be our focus for the whole year. This is based on Instead of writing out a long list of New Year's Resolutions (which I totally did anyway), you choose a word.

The word that came to me for 2013 was 'trust.' Now, when I started to pray about this, I came up with tons of word that I could focus on: motherhood, belief, faith, and so on. I prayed and prayed, and trust just kept standing out from the list.

Amanda swore that once we chose a word, God would use that year to strengthen our characters with a focus on whatever we've chosen. I chose the word, told my Bible Study group, and even wrote the word on my meal planning board so that I would see it all the time. After that, I rarely thought about it. When I did, I would pray that God would help me to trust others and to trust in Him. I expected good things to happen. Instead, let me explain how my year went:

1) In February, my son's father and I split up after 3 years together.
2) In May, my hot water heater stopped working and I had to have it fixed.
3) In June, there were problems within my family that I will not explain or dwell on.
4) In July, my A/C unit stopped working and had to be replaced. Also, my car had to have work done.
5) At the beginning of August, I found out that I had been moved to a new middle school. I was not given a choice.
6) In October, I struggled with financial issues.
7) In December, I was accepted into Graduate School at Appalachian (yay!) - which means more loans (boooooo!)

Now, that doesn't sound like a good year, does it? Believe it or not, I'm SO happy that my year went this way.

Here's what I've realized in the past week.

God HAS used this year to change me. The focus has been on trust. It hasn't been all about trusting others. That's what I expected. It's not what happened. It's been about trusting myself. I didn't realize it, but I had lost myself over the past few years. I became someone that others depended on. I was someone who was all about everyone else in my life. This year, I learned that I am important. I learned that my opinions matter and that I have those convictions for a reason.

For example, I went to Church in February for the first time in a long time. I went with just Christian, my son. I was feeling severely depressed and I needed a "pick-me-up." Something happened to me during that service that I'll never forget. I was sitting with two of my former students and the preacher began his sermon. After about 3 minutes, he said something that really spoke to me. It was all about trusting myself and eliminating bad in my life. I had been unhappy in my relationship for a while, and when I left Church that afternoon, I knew that it was over. I just had to trust myself and trust God. I needed to allow Him to heal the parts of me that were broken, but I had to be alone in order to heal. If I hadn't trusted myself and trusted God in that moment, I would not be where I am right now.

I'm not saying it didn't hurt. This year, I hurt in ways I didn't think were possible. My heart had to completely break in order to become whole. My soul had to be torn apart in order for me to heal. God broke me down in order to build me up and make me stronger.

A friend of mine said something to me the other day and it has been on my mind ever since. He said, "You're different than you were this summer. More confident. I like it." He's absolutely right, but I didn't get there on my own. It has been with the help and guidance of the Lord that I am who I am right now.

So, 2013 has been about trust. Time to start praying about my one word for 2014. What will yours be?

Friday, August 2, 2013

What a great day!

Hi all of you marvelous people that actually read my blog! 

I've had a really good day overall. This is awesome. I love having days like this. 

I started off my day with my baby boy coming to play with me in my room. He loves to come and cuddle with me in the mornings. I have to go get him out of his crib, change his diaper, and all but FORCE him to come in my room...but once he's there, he loves to play! 

Then, we watched Monsters Inc. for the millionth time and had breakfast - Dark Chocolate Muffins. So good and not terrible for you. He loves his "nuppins." 

He was so tired after the movie went off, so I put him down for a nap. While he was napping, I drank some coffee and recovered from last night. If you read my blog or watched the video blog from last night, you'll know that I got SICK after dinner last night. I threw up everything that I had eaten since 4:30 pm...which sucked. I felt ok after that, but still felt a little weak. I didn't recover completely until about 5 pm today. I guess it really was a 24-hr bug or something. 

We had a light lunch - Christian ate chicken nuggets and I had a No Bake Energy Bite from my fridge. I wasn't incredibly hungry and that helped to tide me over until dinner. (Lunch wasn't served until 2:30 

We then needed to get out of the house, so we went to the grocery store. I was completely out of milk and Christian was running low on apple juice. We went and picked that up, gassed up my vehicle, and came back home so I could cook dinner. We had Egg-Battered Fried Chicken. Sounds like it's really bad for you, but actually comes in at about 288 calories per serving. I made rice too. Christian ate every. last. bite. That always makes me feel good. Boosts my ego when the 2 year old approves. emoticon 

Christian went to bed at about 7:40 pm. That's 20 minutes early for him, but he was EXHAUSTED after the short visit from Grammy and Papa after dinner. Once he was down, I did Insanity - Pure Cardio. This was the first time that I had done this video and WOW! No water breaks!? I took two, which isn't bad. I pushed through the workout, but I did start feeling a little weak after the first 5 minutes of it. I figured it was remnants of last night's sickness. I kept going though. Be proud! emoticon 

Now, I'm watching Buffy and trying to relax. I think if I could be any fictional character, it'd be Buffy. I'd even accept the fact that I'd have died twice if I could be her. She's awesome. Haha. I watch Buffy and am inspired to change my life so that I can be as active as a slayer emoticon It's a little lame and embarrassing to say that, I know, but it's one of my many inspirations to keep going with my lifestyle change. I'm in it for real this time around. I'm over feeling bad. I'm over being overweight. I'm over feeling insecure. I'm over it and ready to change! 

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Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Cussing Out Shaun T and CURRICULUM HAPPINESS! :)

Do you see me? 

Do you see my face? 

I just cussed out my TV. Like, Shaun T has now been thoroughly cussed out. People, if you know me at all, you know I RARELY use vulgar language. I think for 40 minutes, I rarely said something that was nice. 

Phew. emoticon 

Other than that boss workout I just did, it was a pretty good day! I ate fairly well. I tried a new salmon recipe from SparkRecipes. So delicious. I also tried couscous for the first time. It was also REALLY good! emoticon 

My curriculum is done for the school year. Another teacher and I planned everything. We have all of our resources for the ENTIRE year! We are going to get back together around the 15th and write specific lesson plans for the first few weeks of school. I already feel SO much better about this year, despite the transition to a new school. 

On another note, I am so nervous that I'm not going to lose any weight this week. I'm getting back in routines. I'm eating better again. I'm working out. I'm drinking my water. I just still feel like I'm going to weigh myself on Sunday and have gained weight...or measure myself and have gained inches. I'm so terrified to gain weight. I'm scared that I'll quit if I have zero results after a week of working so hard. Then, I feel stupid for feeling that way...which then makes me more nervous. Ugh. I hate this cycle of badness.emoticon

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Insanity Day 2 - Plyometric Cardio Circuit

Today was the first "real" workout for Insanity. 

I fit it into my day pretty just sucked. Actually, at one point, he said we had 30 seconds for a water break, and I giggled a little. I grabbed my water and sat out that entire next circuit. I joined back in for the 3rd circuit of basketball drills. This is just the hardest workout program I think I've ever done. I hear it's that way for most people. 

I was so sore this morning from just the fit test alone. However, I'm going to keep pushing every day. I can only get better. :) 


Monday, July 29, 2013

Insanity - Day 1 - Fit Test

OMG. Seriously? SERIOUSLY?!?!?!?!?!?

That sucked.

I just finished my Fit Test for Insanity. Also counts as today's workout. The video is about 25 minutes long and it sucks. I wonder if I'm going to feel like this every day. I'm proud of myself for getting up to do it....but I hurt. My chest is cold. My legs feel like jello. Wahhhhhh.

Anyway, here are my results from the very first fit test. I almost feel like I should be ashamed....except I know that this is somewhere for me to start. It can only get better from here.

(day 1)
(day 15)
(day 36)
(day 50)
(day 63)




5 (pause)


5 (kind of)


I had to pause after doing globe jumps because I thought my chest was going to explode.

Push-up jacks were also interesting because I can't even do a dang, tell me how I'm going to do push-up jacks?! I tried though. Phew.

Fit Test - Check!

Sunday, July 28, 2013

Insanity - Day 0

Wow, it has been a long time since I have posted. I am a slacker. I'm sorry.

I'm going to be doing a lot better. I promise. I'm going to start doing my teacher posts again as well as this new, fun series on my fitness level.

Tomorrow, Monday, 7/29/13, I am starting Insanity. I am soooo nervous about it. I feel like a fat cow most of the time. I will be measuring and everything today as well as taking pictures. I am not confident enough to take pictures and post them yet, but I will when I start to see progress, maybe. I am very self-conscious about the way that I look. I won't even let boyfriend really rub on my stomach. I'm not really a large person....but I'm flabby. Guess that's what happens when you have been overweight forever and then you have a baby. Unfortunately, I can't use the baby excuse anymore. C is two now (almost 26 months, to be exact). I own this. It's my responsibility to get in shape for myself, my son, and the life that I want to live.

Tomorrow starts the Insanity workout. I believe that Day 1 is simply the fit test. I've tried it before and I wanted to throw up just after doing that. I just need to remember that I don't need to be perfect and keep up with Shaun T. I can go at my own pace as long as I'm pushing myself. So nervous.

I'll definitely post how it goes.

Here are my goals:

In 60 days, I'd like to
--Lose 8 lbs.
--Lose 2" from my waist
--Lose 1" from each thigh
--Tighten up my arms a little.
--Feel more comfortable in my own skin (most important)
--Be proud of the progress that I've made

Wish me luck. :)

Saturday, April 6, 2013

NaPoWriMo: Day 6

"I want you to want me.
I need you to need me.
I'd love you to love me.
I'm begging you to beg me.
                           --Cheap Trick

Everything starts with a simple want.
We want this, I want that.
It could be a want to have,
to try,
to feel.
We all want things to help us feel alive.

Want turns to need in time
A cure for the long-set-in itch
left by years of the drugs used
so she could dull the pain,
so she wouldn't feel the bruises left on her by lover's fists.

Need becomes love -
A love for something after the need is gone -
Or you think it's gone.
You begin to love the high,
the ride,
the escape from black eyes and a battered soul.

and what happens after want becomes need
and need becomes love?

You fall down on your hands and knees.
You beg
Like a dog for a bone.
No satisfaction. It's inevitable.
We all beg, in the end,
For our lives.

Friday, April 5, 2013

NaPoWriMo: Day 5

Cheating! Poetry writing class assignment! :)

"The Piano"

52 ivories,
the accepted standard, A through G.
36 ebonies,
sharps and flats, anomalies stuck between.
88 total keys,
a combination of the beautiful and awkward
making it perfect and complete.

The dented and bruised base -
scars from the abuse of years past.
Black ink stains the keys
Stuck there from years of frustration
from when the music just wouldn't write itself.

By candlelight, it waits to be played,
to be used -
for its purpose to be fulfilled.
The melody that is played is a
perfect representation of the artist.
A balance between loneliness -
all played in a minor key -
and a deep-seated hope -
The occasional major chord -
stemming from emotions locked inside.

Music is where she hides.
The only way of honest expression
without saying how she feels.
Piano - her one defense -
Like her, worn out and battered
and played to death.
Used time and time again
until one day when, finally,
it breaks.

Thursday, April 4, 2013

NaPoWriMo: Day 4

Cheating today! This is a poem I wrote while in college for Intro. to Poetry Writing class. One of my favorite classes in college!

"Where I'm From"

I am from rolling hills and farmlands,
from drag races and Friday Night Lights
Where you'll hear the occasional, "That's ma boy!"
or maybe even see grown men throwing punches.

I am from the ashes of bonfires past.
Celebrating end of school or the return of
a loved one from a war, never ending,
and kind faces of those who light the fires once more.

I am from bars and saloons.
Loud country music in the air,
always playing on and on.
Drowning out the troubles of the day
with a pint or two of whatever's on tap that night.

I'm from warm, home-cooked meals -
fried chicken, rice, and gravy -
and lazy Sunday afternoons.
I'm from traditional homes,
traditional Southern values,
and sweet tea and biscuits.
Never changing with the times.

I'm from, "if it ain't broke, don't fix it,"
and, "oh darlin', bless your heart."
I'll never forget hearing those phrases repeated
for years and years
My family - a broken record.

I'm from Hudson Brothers and Richmond Pines,
from roads leading to big towns
and the adventures within them.
From the pecan trees at Papa's house
where we'd play hide and seek,
and the metal jungle gym in the park
where Ryan fell and broke his collarbone
and scared us half to death.

I'm from behind the red door
on a neighborhood street
where children can be found playing in their yards.
Travel up the wooden stairs,
into the room with burgundy and grey walls...

That's where I'm from.

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

NaPoWriMo: Day 3

Why join?
Why fight?
It's not your war.
It's not your battle.
It's theirs.
Always fighting.
But why fight their war?
You always have a choice.
Instead...let's go away to foreign lands
Guns blazing.
Ready to kill.
What did these men really do to you?
Sure, your country needs you.
Sure, you want to be a hero.
What happens when your blood is spilled?
What do we do
When nothing is left but

**Let me end this by saying I am very supportive of our troops. This was a stream of consciousness poem and I had a specific person in mind when writing it. I, in no way, think anything negative of our military. I commend them for everything that they are doing for me and for this country.

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

NaPoWriMo: Day 2

Sometimes I feel the wind.
It whispers secrets to me.
Tells me all the things I long to hear
Along with everything I don't.
"Love will conquer all," it says,
"but the battle is long for you.
Blood will be shed before the end."
It gives me hope.
Frightens me even more.
The wind cannot lie.
It knows everything...everyone.
Still speaking softly, it grows cold.
There is a chill of death
and destruction,
The wind warns me,
Tells me to run.
It will carry me away.
Far from the troubles of this place.
Carry me to a new world -
Somewhere I belong.
A place where the wind is warm,
Where love is always there.
Where hope can be found.

Monday, April 1, 2013

NoPoWriMo: Day 1

Today officially starts National Poetry Writing Month (NaPoWriMo). I'm going to attempt to do this and share poetry on here every day this month! Good luck to me! :)

Sun blacked out today.
The world grows cold.
People search in all directions
For help that was promised.
--Where are you now?
--Where are the soldiers?
--Where is the relief we need?
Blood drenched hands claw the soil -
Searching, feeling, scratching,
Tearing apart once solid ground.
It fades away from lies and broken trust.
--Why did you lie?
--Why did you use her?
--Why can't she feel?
She doesn't breathe anymore.
Not fluently - not healthy.
She gasps and chokes on all of it -
All of the pain tucked inside.
--How will I survive this?
--How can I make it through?
--How can I make it stop??
The world darkens and ice consumes.
Cold prevails over us completely.
Hope dies. Love fades away.
No survivors at all.